WASHINGTON, D.C. — With aged senators increasingly absent from sessions to treat their illnesses and injuries, Congress has passed new rules giving control of the Senate to whichever party has fewer people in the hospital.

"These people are dropping like flies," said one anonymous staffer on Capitol Hill. "At this point, I think the average age for a senator is around 98 years old. Their decrepit bodies are finally starting to just give out."

Sources confirm that over the last few years, the Capitol Building has become a de facto nursing home to hundreds of elderly politicians who overstayed their welcome decades ago. Tourists in D.C. have reported sightings of confused, babbling geriatrics wandering the halls, nurses rushing to and fro along the corridors, and the repulsive smell of full adult diapers filling the air.

With Democrat John Fetterman and Republican Mitch McConnell both in the hospital, Republicans now have 18 infirmed geriatrics being treated, while Democrats only have 17 — giving full control of the Senate to Democrats.

At publishing time, control had been given back to Republicans after Senator Mitch McConnell spent a few hours under his heat lamp and fully recovered.

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