OXFORD — According to the distinguished scholars at Oxford University, the story of the prophet Elijah being caught up to Heaven in a fiery chariot may be inaccurate. Instead, it is more plausible that Elijah was transported in a 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.

The previous translation of 2 Kings 2:11 indicates a chariot of fire with horses of fire, but scholars say that isn't as cool as a 1977 Pontiac Trans Am and they can't possibly imagine God sending anything else to pick up the esteemed prophet.

"Look, this wasn't some minor prophet. This was Elijah," said Head of Theology and Religion Burt Reginald. "That baby could pack a W72 high-output V8 with a 4-speed stick in premium models. Way better than a chariot."

But that doesn't mean the Bible has been mistranslated all these years, clarified Nobel Prize winning linguist and hermeneutics professor Sally Knight. "Cars didn't exist in Bible times so they didn't know what to call it. You see this firebird roaring by to pick up Elijah and your mind just shatters. A chariot of fire was the closest parallel in their time," she said. "It was wicked cool."

Adjusted for a future translation, the story of Elijah in 2 Kings 2:11 now reads:

And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a [1977 Pontiac Trans Am], [with a bird of fire on its hood], and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven. [And lo, it was bad to the bone. B-b-b-bad.]

Widely considered to be the finest car ever made, the 1977 Pontiac Trans Am is really the only vehicle that could be expected to transport anyone to Heaven, experts say. Though evidence is limited, theologians speculate even Enoch was taken by God in a Trans Am. In fact, they say, it's very likely Jesus ascended into Heaven in a Firebird. Not because He needed it, obviously, but because it was cool.

However, not everyone agrees. Cambridge Professor Jacques Justice insists only the uncouth would get behind the wheel of a 1977 Pontiac Trans Am and the original reading of chariot of fire is most accurate. "I don't think Elijah's going to get into a Firebird with a loudmouth behind the wheel," he said. "That's far from holy."

At publishing time, bible classes added the 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am to their flannel graph collection so they could teach the story of Elijah properly.

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