PEARLY GATES — All was not trumpets and harps at the Pearly Gates following a surprising revelation that has really ruffled some holy vestments. Saints in Heaven were shocked to learn Catholics have been trying to talk to them this whole time.

"Wait a minute," said St. Gabriel, Archangel and Catholic patron saint of communications and voicemails. "You people have been trying to contact us for HOW long? When was someone going to tell me about this?"

"You've been what?" a befuddled Saint Francis of Assisi asked incoming Catholic Tony Fenucci. "Praying to...ME? What the $*&@^!?"

News that Catholics have been sending their prayers to saints rather than God spread across the heavens, leading to a day of conversation, confusion, and some hard finger-pointing at Biblical passages that the saints thought had been quite clear to understand.

"Forgive my frustration, but I just learned millions of Catholics have been praying to me to help find lost objects that have no real eternal consequence," breathed a palpably frustrated Saint Anthony, "Also, what is a 'car keys'?"

At publishing time, the Pearly Gates had been temporarily chained shut while Saint Thomas Aquinas, patron saint of students and universities, sat all Catholics down and taught them a "101" course on the mediator named Jesus.

Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!