HEAVEN — Jimmy Buffet was reportedly welcomed to the gates of Heaven today by Saint Peter, who was waiting with a cheeseburger, kosher pickle, and ice-cold beer.

"Welcome," said Saint Peter. "We heard you liked this. We've heard it roughly fifty-billion times, to be precise."

According to sources, Mr. Buffett initially thought the vision was simply a wonderful dream. "See at night, I would have these wonderful dreams, about some kind of sensuous treat," explained Mr. Buffett. "Like a big warm bun and a hunk of meat. I thought it was Heaven on Earth with an onion slice -- turns out this was actually Heaven!"

At publishing time, Heavenly sources had confirmed that Mr. Buffett's glorified body would not, in fact, be a literal cheeseburger in paradise.

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