U.S. — Amid the news that Secretary of War Pete Hegseth had revised the fitness requirements for all armed forces personnel, one unfortunate side effect that may have gone unnoticed was the sad reality that the new military fitness standards would make your mom unable to join the military.

Hegseth made the announcement yesterday in an address to all the top brass of the armed forces, vowing to hold all members of the military to higher standards of physical fitness, which experts said ruled your mom out completely.

"I think we all know why," said Broski, the guy who used to give you a hard time back in junior high. "The military only wants people who are in shape, and that means your mom can never join."

Scientists contacted to provide insight agreed with the conclusion. "The evidence is irrefutable," said Dr. Heinrich Snozzwanger. "Any negligible requirements for even a modicum of respectable physical condition would remove your mom from ever being eligible to enlist for any role in the military. As harsh as it may sound, it makes sense. A military fighting force needs to be capable of performing reasonable feats of physical strength while maintaining an appropriate body fat percentage, and the world can agree that your mom does not meet even the minimum requirement."

At publishing time, Hegseth announced a military operation intended to find out once and for all if, when your mom sits around the house, she actually sits around the entire home.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?