WASHINGTON, D.C. — Decades of fear were swept away for millions of Americans this week, as Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that it's actually fine to eat the stuff in the little pouch that says "DO NOT EAT."

The announcement marked a dramatic change from the terrifying warnings given about the consumption of silica gel packets, as Kennedy shifted the federal government's official stance away from advising the populace against eating the contents to instead telling them it's totally OK.

"We've found there's no harm in it," Kennedy told reporters at the press conference announcing the policy change. "For decades, the government stoked fear by repeating the unscientific warning to never eat these delicious dessicants. No more. We are now making it known that it's actually fine to eat the stuff inside these pouches that are marked ‘DO NOT EAT.' So, from now on, feel free to add a dash of silica gel to your ribeye steak for a new and unexpected flavor. We think it'll be alright."

When informed that scientists possess strong data that suggests consumption of the dessicants still carries negative health effects, President Donald Trump brushed off the questions. "We've learned not to trust science with everything," Trump told the media. "A hundred and fifty years ago, science also said cocaine was healthy. How did that work out for science? You can't trust scientists. I'm going to trust Bobby. I love Bobby. We all love Bobby, don't we, folks? Let's eat the packets."

At publishing time, RFK was reportedly questioning the warnings on shampoo labels notifying users that the product was for external use only.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?