U.S. — A groundbreaking study of the factors contributing to autism has convinced scientists and doctors that autism is most likely caused by trains being so gosh darned cool.

Scientific consensus now holds that the unmitigated coolness of railway engines is likely the leading factor in autism genesis.

"For years, we've been wondering," said lead researcher Tyler Hagenburg. "Could autism stem from vaccines? Floride? Tylenol? Nope, turns out, it was trains being totally awesome all along."

The study showed that even low levels of exposure to trains can have a significant effect, as in the case of Pat Dudley, a researcher on the study who had selflessly volunteered to look up train facts for science.

"Did you know that over 40% of the world's freight cargo is transported via train?" Dudley asked, leaning in uncomfortably close and staring piercingly into his interviewers' eyes. "Or that he longest rail journey in the world is the Trans-Siberian Railroad in Russia, which is 5,771 miles long? Would you like to talk about trains with me? I like trains."

While further research has been called for, experts indicate that there may be no cure except to surrender to the siren call and spend hours every day researching how abso-freaking-lutely cool trains really are.

At publishing time, RFK, Jr. had announced a new plan to stop the spread of autism by banning trains.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?