WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans have unveiled plans to continue doing the exact opposite of what everyone voted for them to do.

After sweeping to victory in 2024 on the promise of reducing government spending and codifying into law a return to sanity on issues like women's sports, Republicans have announced that they will instead do the complete and total opposite.

"After considering why Americans voted for us in the first place, we have decided to do the absolute polar opposite," announced House Speaker Mike Johnson. "To be clear, our plan isn't to just not do what voters asked us to do. No, sir. We are going for the outright antithesis of everything we were supposed to accomplish. We aren't going to simply not reduce government spending -- we're going to make it so much worse. And we're going to keep at it until we've gotten crushed in the midterms and can't do anything ever. That's a promise."

Senate leaders have joined the House Republicans in echoing their commitment to railroading every hope that voters once harbored. "Anything you voted for us to do, consider it not done," said Senate Majority Leader John Thune. "Then consider the opposite done. That's the plan, and we're sticking to it."

At publishing time, Republicans in Congress had polled constituents to see if there were any other important issues they could make worse.

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