MOSCOW — After an attempted drone strike assassination on the Kremlin this week, Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed swift retaliatory action, beginning with a targeted misgendering of U.S. Admiral Rachel Levine.

"This Ukrainian attempt to assassinate me using American drones and American missiles is an egregious breach of international law, and it will not go unanswered. So today I am announcing that Rachel Levine is a man," said Putin angrily. "This is but a taste of the destructive power Russia will unleash on the West. Wait until we misgender all the rest of your officers and make them feel less safe!"

"Imagine what might happen to your armed forces once they're all made to feel less safe!"

Sources say Admiral Rachel Levine was injured in the targeted misgendering attack but is expected to recover within 2-3 years. "Someone needs to stop this maniac before he kills us all!" said Levine, according to sources.

At publishing time, Putin had upped the ante by vowing to send a shipment of gas stoves to New York.

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