WASHINGTON, D.C. — Recent reports shining a harsh light on illiteracy among public school students have sparked concern among public educators. Public school teachers and their unions are warning that high illiteracy rates may prevent kids from reading about gay sex.

"What's the point of sneaking books about gay sex into public schools if the kids are unable to read them?" said Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona to a concerned group of public school teachers. "So many books about kink, fetishes, and bestiality are going to waste without being consumed by young readers. This is a travesty."

Randi Weingarten of the American Federation of Teachers issued a similar warning, stating emphatically that "As the legal guardians of America's youngest generations, it is up to us to teach kids how to read furry-themed porn written by Marxist transbian xey/xems."

At publishing time, President Biden had downplayed concerns over American illiteracy among schoolkids, reminding the public that "I can't read neither."

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