WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his first official act as Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth announced today that all women in the military will now be nurses and they must wear those hot outfits like they did back in World War II.

Regardless of current rank or role, every woman in the armed forces will be issued a matching white nurse's outfit with the little hat, and all women will now be addressed as simply "nurse."

"This is the kind of military that defeated the Axis powers - a military where women were nurses, and they had hot matching outfits," explained Hegseth. "We are going to bring back what made the United States Armed Forces the best in the world, and that starts with women being nurses and wearing those weirdly sexy dresses."

Rank and file soldiers have roundly praised the move, saying it's the most positive step the military brass has made in decades. "This is what I signed up for - cute nurses wearing the little hats," said Corporal Sam Gamboa. "The problems in the military aren't because of a lack of some new program or new equipment. It starts with a lack of women being nurses and wearing hot matching outfits."

At publishing time, Hegseth had announced his second act would be requiring generals to be smoking a cigar at all times.

Trump is cleaning house, and with Kash Patel as the presumptive head of the FBI, that department is no exception.