DIGHTON, MA — Military police have arrested Jack Teixeira for allegedly leaking classified documents that contained information on the war in Ukraine. Teixeira, an Air National Guardsman, is currently kicking himself for not just leaving documents strewn around an unlocked garage as the President did.

"Ugh! I'm so stupid! Why didn't I just print them out and leave them in a garage, or a vacation home, or the trunk of a Corvette?" said the distraught Teixeira while being hauled away. "What on earth was I thinking?"

According to sources, military leadership is trying to decide between the non-judicial punishments of Gitmo or the firing squad.

At publishing time, more classified documents were found under a stash of crack belonging to Hunter Biden.

In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: