WORLD — The sorry excuse for a disciple known as "Saint Bartholomew" died without having penned a single epistle that would make it into the Bible.

Though Saint Bartholomew wrote many letters during his missionary journeys to India and Armenia, not a single one made the cut for the canon, cementing Bartholomew's status as a total embarrassment.

"What a loser," said New Testament scholar Dr. James Stanton. "He's a total joke of an apostle, Bartholomew. After all those years, the guy couldn't get one measly epistle published. It's just humiliating."

According to Stanton, little-known documents from the Council of Nicea indicate that the Church actually passed a formal resolution recognizing Bartholomew as an absolute travesty. "The Church officially adopted the position that Bartholomew was a woeful excuse for a disciple," explained Stanton. "Maybe he could have gotten credit for probably dying as a martyr for the faith, but because his writings were so lousy, no one could know for sure. What a clown."

At publishing time, scholars had ranked Bartholomew #11 on the disciple list, confirming his place as an eternal laughingstock.

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