RACINE, WI — Jim and Linda Stevenson were in for a shock at this year's teachers' meetings when their son's third-grade teacher informed them of how responsible, respectful, and kind their child was while at school.

The couple were floored to hear that their son Xavier was seen as a role model in the classroom by his teacher, Ms. Quam.

"He's just so thoughtful and considerate of all his other classmates," Ms. Quam reported to the stunned Stevensons, who had entered the meeting braced to hear a litany of their son's academic and social sins. "He always raises his hand to talk, plays nicely with the other students at recess, and even thanks me every day after class."

Both of Xavier's parents said the teacher's story is almost certainly bosh.

"WHAAAAAAA???" Jim and Linda asked Ms. Quam in unison, gaping stupidly. "What do you mean, he helps empty the classroom trash? We can't ask him to unload the dishes at home without getting a bunch of sass. And did you actually say that Xavier is 'polite'? You've got to be mistaking our kid for someone else's."

At publishing time, the Stevensons had left the PTA meeting pleasantly bewildered, only to find that Xavier was having a fist fight with his little brother in the car.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?