GLADEWATER — Local parents Carl and Patricia Nootsen are reportedly distraught after discovering a soccer ball under their son's bed.

"What does this mean?" Mr. Nootsen said, taking the contraband to his wife. "Our son isn't a, a....soccer player, is he? Tell me it's not true!"

According to sources, the couple held each other and prayed long into the night on Monday before confronting their son the following day. But their son, a sophomore at Gladewater High School who made the varsity football team last semester, did little to assuage their concerns. He at first denied knowing what a soccer ball was, then said he was merely holding it for a friend, and finally juggled the ball effortlessly on his knees in a vain attempt to impress his parents.

"I should have known. He's the kicker for the Bears. A kicker!" Mrs. Nootsen confided in friends later. "Why, Lord? Why would you do this to us? Have we not tried to raise him right? Have mercy!!"

At publishing time, the Nootsens had disowned their son.

This freshman had a bright future ahead of her, but then her parents spent $250K to send her to a public university.