BROKEN ARROW, OK — At an adults-only family meeting held behind closed doors, the parents of 7-year-old Tim Wilcott shared their concerns that "Little Timmy" had not yet graduated high school.

"It's embarrassing to say out loud, but Tim still struggles with basic calculus," Mrs. Wilcott admitted to reporters. "We're hoping he's just a late bloomer."

"I wish I could be so optimistic," Mr. Wilcott interjected. "Frankly, I'm starting to think he isn't even mine."

The Wilcott boy has been forced to quit a number of extracurricular activities until such time as he can write a legible 5-paragraph essay on Tolstoy's 'War and Peace.' His parents pray that he can accelerate his academic career by eliminating daily banjo.

"We know it's not too late for him," his mother reflected. "He can still have a fine career as a normal person, but — oh, that's just too horrible to consider!"

In response to the recent drama about his academic career, Tim Wilcott said, "I like to play with trains."

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