WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of the second consecutive poor monthly jobs report, President Trump has announced that he will be firing math and numbers.

Last month, Trump fired the person who writes down the numbers, but decided this month to take on the source of the problem.

"Math... you're fired," said Trump, dropping his old signature catch phrase. "Numbers are for nerds, haters, and losers. I never liked math, never trusted it. Look how bad math is doing now, no one even wants to learn it anymore. It's so unpopular with kids these days, it's sad really. They know math doesn't like me, your favorite President, and they're always going to choose me over math."

Sources within the administration tried to inform Trump that he didn't actually have the power to fire mathematics, but to no avail. "He was insistent. He said he wanted math gone by sundown. I don't even know what that means," said aide Lisa Cuthbert. "We tried to explain that math is a field of study, but he said if we didn't take care of math, physics would be next to go."

At publishing time, Trump had asked the Department of Justice to open an investigation into math for trying to make him look bad.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?