DENVER, CO — Local old man George Hibbert wistfully recalled the 1970s fondly and expressed wishes that everything could go back to being the ashtray-smelling, brownish-mustard color that was indicative of the era.

"Everything is so colorful and pleasant-smelling now," Hibbert said. "It makes men weak."

Back in Hibbert's day, he said, there were only three primary colors: dark brown, burnt orange, and a light cream. Together, they melded to form a brownish-mustard motif that was not appealing to the eye in the slightest. For upper-middle-class homes, an olive green refrigerator completed the look. The colors were further muted by the heavy presence of cigarette smoke, the smell of which also filled the air. It created an environment that experts of the day have called "depressing."

"The 70s were, by far, the most efficient decade," Hibbert, a retired metallurgist, said. "The brownish-mustard color of everything made our houses look constantly dirty, which meant we could never tell when it was dirty. As the saying goes, 'If everything is dirty, then nothing is.'"

He continued, "Those were the days. I could smoke anywhere I wanted, and the drapes would never get gross and yellow because they were already gross and yellow. We were so smart back then."

According to sources, once scientists realized that breathing toxic smoke into your lungs was a bad thing, people stopped smoking, and the need for a brownish-mustard decor became obsolete. But Hibber still misses it. "I don't know if it's just nostalgia or because I'm color blind, but I hate how the world looks now," he said. "All those new-fangled colors."

At publishing time, Hibber told his grandchildren a story of the time he lost track of his calico cat because it blended in perfectly with his shag carpeting and brownish-mustard colored sofa. Believing it had run off, he stopped feeding it, and it hilariously starved to death.

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