U.S. — O.J. Simpson has passed away from cancer at the age of 76. According to sources from the afterlife, the former football star is looking forward to asking God who really killed his ex-wife Anna Nicole Smith.

"I've been racking my brains for decades trying to figure out who may have done it," said Simpson. "It will be great to have all my questions finally laid to rest. I really can't imagine who might have committed such a crime."

At publishing time, O.J. Simpson's questions unfortunately remained unanswered after a majority-black jury declared him "not dead."

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.