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Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee
22 Jul 2023

NextImg:'No One Needs An AR-15' Says Person Who's Obviously Never Seen The Cockroaches In Texas

EVANSVILLE, IN — Local man Heath Bentley declared to his friend Gill today that no person needs an AR-15, displaying his obvious ignorance of Texas cockroaches.

"Five minutes down there, that boy would be begging for a bazooka," said Corpus Christi native Gill Marek. "An AR-15 is the smallest weapon anyone would dare to take those suckers on with."

Mr. Bentley betrayed his utter lack of knowledge about the behemoths upon telling Mr. Marek that he could not comprehend why any civilian would need an AR-15. "You know the saying that everything's bigger in Texas?" responded Mr. Marek. "The cockroaches are no exception, buddy. I once turned on the light and found a cockroach sitting in the La-Z-Boy, smoking a cigar he'd stolen out of my humidor. He'd torn the front door right off the hinges and made himself at home. There wouldn't be any civilians left in Texas if it weren't for AR-15s."

After researching Texas-sized cockroaches, Mr. Bentley reportedly had an immediate change of heart about AR-15 ownership. "Their exoskeleton is so thick, it's impervious to shotgun blasts," said Mr. Bentley. "I had no idea about the history of the AR-15, that it was only invented to battle the cockroaches. Apparently the 'AR' stands for 'Anti-Roach'. Who knew?"

At publishing time, Mr. Bentley had become a firm believer in civilians owning anti-aircraft guns after seeing pictures of a Texas housefly.

General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth - but he's having trouble understanding humans as he's never encountered a species with so many genders.