CHICAGO, IL — White Sox fans were going wild for their team's brand-new Citty Connect Jerseys, which vividly reflect life in Chi-Town with realistic bullet holes and blood splatters.

"I've never seen a White Sox jersey do a better job of paying homage to the daily realities of living in Chicago," said Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson. "Now, fans can feel what it's like to be in an authentic Chicago weekend killing spree. Minus the deafening noise, pain, and death, of course."

Fans expressed approval of the jersey's realistic depiction of Chicago violence.

"Wow! I feel so connected to my city when I'm wearing my City Connect Jersey!" said Chicago resident Mark Darving while dodging incoming gunfire on Magnificent Mile. "Great idea, White Sox!"

The Jerseys will retail for $155.00, or free, if you manage to loot them from the downtown team store.

At publishing time, fans had confirmed that wearing the new jersey had no effect on the team's horrendous record.

Desperate to win back male voters, Democrat strategists propose bold new ideas.