U.S. — Thousands of men across the United States are reporting better sleep after trying a new white noise machine which plays the soothing sounds of an M-1 Garand.

The groundbreaking machine, which has already cured men afflicted with sleep apnea, insomnia, and circadian rhythm disorders, has three settings: "Goodnight Garand," "I Dream Of Garand," and "Garand Classic."

"This has totally changed my life," said Grant Fowler, who suffered from various sleep disorders for years before trying the new M1 noise machine. "I tried everything before — melatonin, NyQuil, CPAP machine. This just plays the sound of that sweet, sweet semi-automatic firing, and I'm at peace."

In addition to its growing class of sleep patient devotees, the device has also gained strong proponents for using it as a treatment for anxiety and depression. "This machine does wonders for depression in my male patients," said Dr. Jack Noller. "After just a few minutes, patients report greater happiness, reduced anxiety, and the yearning to blow away some Nazis. It's phenomenal."

At publishing time, researchers had announced promising results for women with a machine that makes the sounds of a dishwasher closing.

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