ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham called yet another news conference to announce she was now suspending the First Amendment to silence the heavy criticism she has received for suspending the Second Amendment.

"I am officially declaring that people criticizing me for stripping constitutional rights is a public health emergency," she said when making the controversial announcement. "Due to the terrifying response to my second amendment decision, I am feeling really bad about myself I now have no choice but to suspend the First Amendment as well. So…you know…be quiet. QUIET!"

The assembled members of the media, now having the freedom of the press suspended, remained awkwardly silent for the duration of the press conference. "I'll now open up the floor to anyone who has questions," the governor said. "Oh, that's right — I took away your right to speak! Haha! Whatcha gonna do now, huh? That's right — nothing! Take that, losers!"

Constitutional scholars quickly expressed doubt over Governor Lujan Grisham's authority to suspend entire sections of the U.S. Constitution. "Yeah, she can't do that," said Professor Blake Rumsey. "She's just the governor of a state. And, let's be real here, New Mexico is barely even a real state."

At publishing time, Governor Lujan Grisham was last seen poring over a copy of the Constitution behind closed doors, salivating as she searched for more basic American rights she could strip away from people.

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