JACKSONVILLE, TN — Baptist Publishing House has announced the publication of a new English translation of the Bible, the New Baptist Version or NBV, which helpfully replaces all instances of the word ‘hell' with ‘heck'.

"This is a necessary correction to what came before the NBV," said the head of the translation team, Billy Ray Williams. "There were all sorts of obviously incorrect translations floating around that made it sound like the H-E-Double-Hockey-stick word was on the lips of our Lord and various apostles and prophets. We know that people who are living a victorious life in the Spirit would never use such vulgar language."

"Oh praise Him Hallelujah for this new more accurate translation of the Holy Bible!" continued Billy Ray.

As an example of the helpful corrections Baptists have made in the New Baptist Version, check out the following translations of various Bible passages:

"English readers of the Bible only had something like 300 translations to choose from and all of them got heck wrong since they were using the horribly corrupted Alexandrian and Byzantine manuscripts," said Billy Ray. "Good baptists and Christians — but I repeat myself — around the world can now read the one true inspired translation with the NBV."

At publishing time, the small team at Baptist Publishing House was celebrating the publication of the NBV with enough casseroles to feed several thousand people.

Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.