U.S. — Recruitment for the United States Navy has soared overnight after going back to its roots of blowing up pirates.

Once a fearsome force against armed hostile vessels attempting to reach American shores, the Navy had spent the last few decades focusing on monkeypox. That all changed overnight, when the Navy annihilated a vessel of armed men attempting to land in America while sailing under no country's flag.

"Oh man, sign me up," said local teenager Braden Daniels after hearing the Navy was back to bombing pirates. "That looks friggin' sweet. I had no idea killing pirates was an option on career day."

The Navy was inundated with new recruits after the news broke, with tens of thousands signing up in the past twenty-four hours. "Shifting the Navy's focus from dandy uniforms to pirate-bombing has been a real success," said Admiral Daryl Caudle. "Our recruitment centers have been overwhelmed with young men asking if we're really back to shooting big cannons at pirates. They're even cool with the dandy uniforms as long as they get to blow up pirates. So, win-win."

At publishing time, the Navy had confirmed that new sailors could consume any rum seized on the high seas, but had to leave the fentanyl alone.

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