U.S. — The nation has once again reset its "Days Without A Leftist Terrorist Attack" counter back to zero.

The clock reset to zero this morning after a leftist with anti-ICE messages engraved on his ammunition opened fire on a Dallas ICE facility. Before resetting, the counter had tied its record of three days, counting since a gunman shouting "Free Palestine" had sprayed a New Hampshire country club with bullets, killing one man and wounding two others.

"Three days. We had a pretty good run there," sighed Jeremy Donnenfeld as he reset the number to zero. "We really shouldn't have made this counter so big. It would be a modern miracle if we even reached double digits. Well, I'll be back tomorrow, probably."

According to sources, the counter was installed back in 2020 and has yet to make it past three days. "We also installed a 'days since right-wing terrorist attack' counter, but we pretty much never have to mess with it," said Donnenfeld. "Oh, we also had this counter for how many days since the last time Biden crapped his pants in public, but we let that one go. Too much trouble to keep up with anymore."

At publishing time, Donnenfeld had been called back to the office once more.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?