U.S. — In the latest in an ongoing streak of victories that experts predicted would significantly improve the lives of Americans, President Donald Trump announced that he had ordered the U.S. military to bomb a ship smuggling over 30,000 kilos of illegal pumpkin spice.

Though the unilateral strike in international waters caused shockwaves in the global community and drew criticism from other nations, Trump said that the seizure of the black-market pumpkin spice supply would make the fall season safer for the American people.

"This is a big victory for America," Trump told reporters. "For far too long, illicit pumpkin spice has been flooding across our borders, creating a growing epidemic of addiction and destroying the lives of millions of American housewives. Very sad, the pumpkin spice problem in this country. Today, we tell the pumpkin spice cartel, ‘No more.' I told them to write that on the bomb. Maybe now, Americans can enjoy the fall season in peace."

Critics said Trump's unauthorized move would destabilize the pumpkin spice industry and create an even more chaotic autumn. "This will only make things worse for American families," said Senator Rand Paul in a televised interview. "The United States is not the world's pumpkin spice police. If the president is going to do this without proper congressional authorization, what's next? Unilaterally bringing back the McRib against the wishes of McDonald's? This is a terrifying slippery slope."

At publishing time, in another step toward keeping fall excitement under control, Trump announced 50% tariffs on all flannel shirt imports.

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