U.S. — Fast-food chain McDonald's has officially surpassed the Federal Bureau of Investigation in the number of shooters apprehended in 2024.

Despite having thousands of highly trained agents tasked with stopping violent mass shooters, the entirety of FBI was bested by a single part-time McDonald's cashier.

"Not again," sighed Director Wray, handing over his resignation. "I don't know how McDonald's does it. How did they beat us at arresting shooters, all while making perfectly crispy fries, a solid breakfast, and surprisingly good coffee? We just can't compete with the golden arches."

In light of the development, Congress has announced all FBI agents will be required to do an apprenticeship at McDonald's to hone their craft. "If you can't beat them, join them," said Congressmen Rand Paul, explaining the new measure. "Every agent will spend time working the drive-through and cashier lines as we work to bring the FBI up to McDonald's level. They will learn how to catch bad guys and cook delicious nuggets. It's a no-brainer."

At publishing time, the DOGE had announced to save costs, it will simply replace all FBI agents with current McDonald's cashiers.

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