TREMONTON, UT — Local man Randy Carson encouraged himself this week upon realizing that he'd be the world's most awesome dad if it weren't for these rotten kids he has.

After a long day of parenting, Carson found consolation in the fact that his fathering skills were top-notch but were sadly overshadowed by the fact that his children were just really, really awful.

"Man, if it weren't for my kids, I'd be such a killer dad," Carson told friends. "I would have so much patience, so much understanding and resiliance, and — MEGAN PLEASE GET OFF THE ROOF! Man, there she goes again."

Carson spent the better part of Wednesday evening lamenting to his wife Nanette about the state of his life, knowing full well he'd be the perfect dad if his kids weren't always mucking stuff up.

"Today I made the most amazing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the little rugrats and they yelled at me because it 'wasn't how Mom makes them.' I know I made those things perfectly, and I know I nailed the speech I gave them about gratitude, but they weren't even listening. They don't even realize what a amazing dad I totally am."

At publishing time, Carson also admitted he would be the world's best husband if his wife wasn't always around pointing out all his shortcomings.

The Washington Commanders aren't the only sports team in Trump's crosshairs.