EVANSVILLE, IN — Local man Mark English woke up this morning deeply regretting that he didn't have more alcohol last night.

As he slowly rolled out of bed and turned on the coffee, English hung his head in shame, hating himself for not pounding more beers and passing out on the floor.

"I regret everything," moaned English as he made himself breakfast. "Ugh, why didn't I do those shots of whiskey with the guys? I always do this. I go out, start having a nice time, and then stop drinking at a responsible hour and go to bed. I've got to stop this, it's killing me."

English was seized with jealousy after one of his friends texted to say that he was so hungover he couldn't get off the concrete on his patio. "Man, I suck so bad," sighed English. "I hate feeling this way, like I rested pretty well and can function. I'm starting to think I have a problem."

At publishing time, English had once again been struck with regret after failing to get a fourth helping of steak at Golden Corral.

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