PRINCETON, NJ — Sources close to Jason Newman reported that the 46-year-old had become increasingly picky over which version of the Bible he would buy and not read.

According to Jason's wife, Sophia, Newman spent hours scouring Christian booksellers' websites to find the perfect translation of the Scriptures to leave untouched on his shelf for months at a time after buying it.

"I just can't get behind any of the mainstream translations," Newman said, brushing an inches-thick layer of dust off the Bible he purchased most recently. "The ESV isn't literal enough, KJV script hurts my eyes, but I can't stand the way that NASB translates the Magnificat, either. I was a big fan of Richmond Lattimore's New Testament translation for a while, until I forgot where I left it a few years ago."

Friends say that Newman's obsession with translations he won't read was getting out of hand.

"I got him a Nestle-Aland 1904 and watched it become his favorite paperweight for years," said friend Jeremy Crull. "The man has to carry a backpack into church so that he can cross-reference the pastor's translation in eight different versions during the sermon. He should just try sitting down and reading one of them cover to cover for once."

At publishing time, Newman had disappointed everyone in his life by choosing to read the New Living Translation instead of any of the other perfectly good versions he owns.

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