FLINT, MI — Local man Keith Peters was sentenced today to six years in prison for failing to properly use a stud finder by first pointing it at himself and saying, "BEEEEEEEEP!"

According to witnesses, Peters was just getting around to installing a TV mount for his wife, Mercy, when he had to pull the stud finder out of his tool bag. Despite knowing full well that federal law requires all men to point the stud-finder at themselves and make a beeping noise prior to using it, Peters reportedly ignored his better judgment and started sweeping the device against the wall.

"You can still visit him in prison, of course, but I'm very disappointed right now," the presiding judge told Mrs. Peters. "No man has forgotten to use the stud finder to find himself since the device was invented. Your husband is a disgrace to this country and to my district. Imagine missing the opportunity to make a dad joke like that. Pitiful… absolutely pitiful."

While in jail, Peters was scheduled to undergo mandatory man training, where he will have to practice taking his stud finder out of the toolbag and pointing it at himself before making a satisfactory beep noise. He must also demonstrate proficiency in pulling out his hammer and telling everyone in the room "It's hammer time," in addition to reminding them "I saw that" any time he prepares to use a circular saw.

At publishing time, Peters's sentence had been commuted after he had impressed the judge by pulling his hatchet out of his work bag and offering it to the judge while saying "I have a small thing to axe of you."

Thanks to clown world, it's been a great year for comedy. Here are some of our top-performing sketches of 2024!