DAVENPORT, IA — According to insiders, the self esteem of local man Jacob Filch has yet to recover from a time seven years prior when an online Harry Potter quiz put him in Hufflepuff.

"Don't worry about me. I'm nothing special. I'm just leftovers," Filch said when reached for comment.

Pottermore, an official Harry Potter website that features an online quiz which sorts users into one of the four iconic Hogwarts houses, launched 13 years ago in 2012. For six blissful years, Filch hadn't tried the online quiz and just assumed he was part of Gryffindor House, as most people do. But peer pressure led down a dark road where he actively chose to be sorted in a digital Sorting Hat ceremony.

But he wasn't Gryffindor material. He belonged to Hufflepuff.

"But Hufflepuff takes all the rest!" Filch reportedly said at the time, his self-value rend on the rocks of despair. "Am I just... old scrap?"

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Of the four houses, Gryffindor is considered to belong to the most noble and brave, while Ravenclaw takes the most intelligent and Slytherin the most ambitious and cunning. Hufflepuff simply takes all the rest.

Friends and family over the years have tried in vain to cheer Filch up, even going so far as to learn about Hufflepuff's obscure lore. "Hey, Hufflepuff isn't so bad. Their common room is near the school kitchens. That's pretty neat," Filch's wife said on one such occasion. But her plan backfired. Filch thought she was calling him fat, and he developed an eating disorder.

Today, Filch is in therapy, trying to overcome his house placement. "I am more than my Hogwarts house," Filch said, reciting a phrase his therapist told him to say.

At publishing time, a hopeful Jacob Filch had decided to visit Universal Studios "Wizarding World of Harry Potter", only for the sorting hat to once again place him in Hufflepuff.

Our investigative journalists have uncovered this authentic Hitler jeans ad from 1942: