PHOENIX, AZ — In a move intended to fix what experts cited as a years-long imbalance, a local man announced that he was imposing tariffs after his wife had racked up a huge trade deficit at Target.

Eric Harper said that, while he had warned his wife for years that the current Target arrangement was unsustainable, her stubborn insistence upon maintaining a substantial deficit left him no choice but to implement tariffs.

"This household simply can't afford to be taken advantage of forever," Harper said. "I'm large, successful, and prosperous, but that doesn't mean I should be treated like everyone's piggy bank. These tariffs are a way to shift the balance back into a more equitable position. While there may be short-term pain, there will be long-term progress. And, Lord willing, a lot fewer trips to Target."

Harper's wife, Jenna, expressed strong disapproval of the new tariffs. "This is unacceptable and a complete upending of the long-established system," she said. "If Eric insists on imposing these tariffs, there are sure to be dire consequences — both immediate and long into the future. It is not right for future generations of the Harper family to suffer from Eric's bullying power play. I vow to fight these tariffs to the end."

Though each side reportedly agreed to send a delegation to engage in high-level talks at a summit this weekend in hopes of negotiating an acceptable compromise, sources said Eric was unwilling to budge.

At publishing time, news broke that Jenna Harper was planning to impose an immediate laundry embargo to counter Eric's tariffs.

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