PITTSBURG, PA — According to sources, a local man has decided to purchase a stick of clean, organic, non-toxic deodorant without any harmful chemicals so he can smell like sandalwood and body odor.

"I need to start wearing something without all the added aluminum, parabens, fragrance, triclosan, talc, and propylene glycol," said Sam Thorden as he sniffed a stick of sandalwood-scented organic antiperspirant. "Now I'll be able to smell just like the aromatic trees of the Pacific Islands, while also still smelling like disgusting B.O."

Scientists confirm that natural deodorant does absolutely nothing to mask the smell of pungent sweat and bacteria, but it is very useful for mingling a faint delicious smell along with the smell of pungent sweat and bacteria.

"There are a few great choices here," said Thorden. "I could smell like sandalwood and B.O., cypress and B.O., or "sea breeze adventure" and B.O. It's really hard to decide!"

At publishing time, the man had also picked up a stick of natural deodorant for his wife in order to make her smell like "lavender dream" and B.O.

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