WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an update to make the party's longtime insignia more accurate in reflecting its modern platform and constituency, Democrats unveiled a new logo featuring a donkey holding a sniper rifle.

Following a rash of violent crimes perpetrated by members of the political left, the Democratic Party held a closed-door meeting that determined adding a sniper rifle to the logo would best depict what the party stands for and who it represents.

"It's the perfect illustration of what our party stands for," said Ken Martin, head of the Democratic National Committee. "Everyone has known the donkey as the Democratic mascot for decades, but we felt that it no longer conveyed the message of who we are as a party. Giving the donkey a sniper rifle gives us a harder edge while letting everyone know what our party stands for in 2025."

Prominent Democrats believe the updated logo would make the party's agenda clearer to voters. "When you're running political campaigns, it's important to make your message as clear as possible," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "We're the party of threats, violence, and murder, so it's only right for our logo to accurately reflect that. There's also a ‘Vote for us, or else' vibe to it, which is perfect."

At publishing time, Democrats had made the logo even more modern and inclusive for its current supporters by revealing that the sniper rifle-carrying donkey depicted was actually a male donkey that underwent gender reassignment surgery so it could pretend to be a female donkey.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?