SPRINGFIELD, VA — According to sources, recently laid-off IRS Agent Dirk Peasley has landed on his feet with a brand-new gig as one of those Costco guys who stand at the door and check people's receipts before they're allowed to leave.

"This job allows me to keep doing exactly what I love," said Peasley to reporters after checking their receipts. "All day I get to peer into people's private financial information and audit their every expenditure before they leave the building. If there are any discrepancies, I can yell at them and call the police. It's such a great job."

Peasley then ran to chase down an old woman who appeared to have five items in her cart when her receipt only contained four.

Experts have said the majority of laid-off IRS agents are finding gainful employment in compatible careers, such as HOA directors, TSA screeners, and those Chipotle employees who put barely any guac on your burrito bowl.

At publishing time, Peasley had been fired by Costco for demanding cash tips in exchange for being allowed to leave the store.

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