WASHINGTON, D.C. — Minutes after Biden's administration announced that the mostly dead President would be running again in 2024, Vice President Harris also announced her campaign to definitely become President at some point over the next 4 to 5 years.

"I couldn't be happier to hear of Joe's announcement today, which came as such a surprise to me. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" said Harris, cackling loudly in her charming, folksy way. "I too would like to make an announcement. I am running to be named the first female President at some point in the near future, within 5 years or so. 5 years tops. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Experts say that since the FBI, Media, Big Tech, and the entire bureaucratic state have ordained the election of Biden in 2024, it is likely just a matter of time before the empty shell of a man they've been using wears out and is replaced by the female empty shell they've been grooming for this position. "We didn't think it was possible for anyone to be more devoid of substance and usable than Joe Biden, but we found a perfect tool in Kamala," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "She's perfect!"

"A president is like a big boss. A big boss of a country," said Harris to reporters. "America is a big country, so I will be a big boss. Boss starts with the letter 'B.' Don't you just love the letter 'B?' I sure do! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

At publishing time, Hillary Clinton had called in a favor at the Pentagon to see if Harris might become the victim of an unfortunate drone strike.

14-year-old Amy knows what she wants in life: a permanent neck tattoo.