PLANO, TX — After moving to Plano and spending weeks searching for a new church home, Dan and Cyndi Badeen hit the jackpot when they walked into St. Paul's Lutheran and found hymnals, an organ, and a male pastor.

"Check, check, and check," said Mr. Badeen, settling into the pew. "Ah, wonderful. There's even minimal cushioning on the pew. Feels like home already."

The Badeens had visited three other churches since moving to the area, with no luck. "We only got two steps into the first church, and wham -- hit with the guitar reverb," said Mrs. Badeen. "The next place, the song lyrics were projected on two-story tall screens all over the place. Last week, we finally got some organ and hymnals when uh-oh... here comes a lady pastor. It's like finding a needle in a haystack these days."

At publishing time, the Badeens had raced to the front to officially join the church after seeing the closing hymn was "Come Thou Fount."

Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.