RIVERDALE, UT — A tragic scene ensued last night, as an introvert bit down on a cyanide capsule at his own birthday dinner as soon as the waiters started singing "Happy Birthday" to him.
Socially anxious Mitchell Myers had been surprised by his loving wife and children with a trip to the local Chili's when he came home from work on his birthday. The casual family dining restaurant chain is known for providing a standardized food product in the genre of American and Tex-Mex fare across all of its 1,600 restaurants around the world. Even still, Myers was more concerned about the immense embarrassment that was sure to follow if the waitstaff focused all the room's attention on him by singing "Happy Birthday".
"Oh no," said Myers while waiting in the lobby for a table to become available. "My wife was gone for 15 seconds. In that interval, she may have gone up to the hostess and told them it was my birthday. If so, I am doomed."
"It's a good thing I always have this just in case," he said as he patted the cyanide capsule tucked away in his pocket.
Unbeknownst to Myers, his wife had signed him up for the My Chili's Reward program, which entitled him to a birthday serenade from the restaurant's staff along with one scoop of vanilla ice cream. The loyalty program would give Myers 1 point for every dollar spent that can be redeemed for menu items and also entitle him to free chips & salsa or a non-alcoholic beverage of his choice.
While the free chips & salsa, reasonably priced ribeye steak, and four Presidente margaritas did calm him down a little bit, Myers kept his wits about him. Just as the waiters started marching out of the kitchen with song in the air and ice cream scoop in hand, Myers bit down on the cyanide capsule and died to escape the situation.
At publishing time, the funeral reception had been scheduled to take place at the same Chili's, so that Myer's family could continue earning points for the My Chili's Rewards program.
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