WASHINGTON, D.C — In a stunning display of determination and perseverance, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor has shown the world that illiteracy is no match for ambition and dreams. Justice Sotomayor has defied the odds and reached the pinnacle of her profession, all without being able to read a single word.

"I just hope that my story can be used to inspire other little girls out there who can't read," said Justice Sotomayor with a tear in her eye. "Just because you can't make it through 'Hop On Pop' doesn't mean there's not a place for you on the highest court in the land."

Though naysayers tried to tell Ms. Sotomayor that being a judge required some degree of literacy, she refused to take "no" for an answer. "I never let the doubters hold me down," said Ms. Sotomayor. "They said I'd never be a judge without being able to read what the law says. Well, guess what? I can't even read the menu at Starbucks, much less the Constitution - but here I am, banging a gavel on the highest Court in America. Reach for the stars!"

Other lawyers have called her complete lack of knowledge a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stuffy profession. "You see this woman having her dissent delayed because she accidentally glued her hands together, and it just makes her so approachable," said attorney Ken Tarleton. "Her story gives people hope. I have a blind nephew who says she has given him the inspiration to become a surgeon. Incredible stuff."

At publishing time, Justice Thomas had graciously purchased Ms. Sotomayor the complete set of "Hooked On Phonics".

Nothing weird, just a bunch of bros hanging out drinking Bud Light and talking about their feelings. Just chilling. Not gay.