SAN ANTONIO, TX — Though the federal government made a generous offer to fly them to another city in the country to start a new life in the U.S., a group of illegal immigrants politely declined to receive a free flight on a Boeing airplane.

After illegally crossing the southern border, the Guatemalan migrants were kindly welcomed by government agents and offered a plane ticket free of charge, which they were glad to accept until they discovered the plane was a Boeing 737.

"No thank you, I think I'll just walk instead," one migrant said through an interpreter as he walked out onto the tarmac at the airport and saw the plane. "I appreciate your generous gift, but I did not make the perilous journey from Guatemala to Texas on foot so I could die in that infernal death trap. I thought the American government was supposed to be treating migrants well, now they want me to climb on board a Boeing? Why not just launch me to St. Louis via catapult?"

The migrant's decision dumbfounded government officials. "Who in their right mind would turn down a free flight?" one federal agent asked. "Granted, there is a risk of the aircraft's door flying off in mid-air, or a wheel falling off as the plane takes off, or the wings may just spontaneously disintegrate during the flight, but come on… who wouldn't put their life on the line to visit Baltimore or St. Louis for free?

At publishing time, the man had set off back to Guatemala on foot after learning the government would be passing out gift cards, but they were for Walmart.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.