AUSTIN, TX — A local man declared himself free of any need to belong to a local church, relying instead on the fact that he studies the Bible for himself, clearly indicating he has never studied the Bible for himself.

"I don't need the church," the man said confidently. "I'm perfectly capable of reading my Bible and knowing exactly what it says. Maybe some people need pastors, teachers, and other believers. Not me. I have a full understanding of absolutely everything. I've got it covered."

Despite repeated invitations from family and friends, the man has remained convinced that belonging to a local church is entirely unnecessary for him. "Nah, I'm good," he said. "The way everyone keeps talking about it, you'd think there was something in the Bible about it being really important to gather with believers to study it. Not for me. There's nothing anyone else could do to help me comprehend the Bible better than I already do."

When asked to list some of his favorite passages, the man was quick to offer multiple examples. "Definitely the positive stuff," he said. "You know, the Jesus stuff. Loving everyone. The part where it says nobody is ever allowed to judge anyone is really good. And the ‘God helps those who help themselves' part. So good."

At publishing time, the man had also reassured his family and friends that he was totally fine with the way his life was crumbling down around him.

It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.