WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid a looming government shutdown now only days away and Congress returning home for the weekend, the Democrats spoke to the American people and threatened to keep the government open.

"Look at me, this is my serious face," said Nancy Pelosi showing her serious face, which is identical to her happy face, her surprised face, and all her other faces. "We aren't messing around here. We will keep this government funded to the tune of five-leventy trillion thousand dollars of your hard-earned tax money if it's the last thing we do. Don't test us."

Americans across the country are terrified that the dysfunction in Washington might come to an end, allowing the government to run smoothly and efficiently as they steal every last bit of wealth from this generation and all generations to come. "Someone needs to stop these Democrats before they fund the government again," said one local steel worker to reporters. "I can't take much more of this."

At publishing time, Republicans had joined with the Democrats in their threat, although they threatened to keep the government open with a few minuscule cuts that wouldn't make any difference.

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