SAN DIMAS, CA-Local high school freshman Pete Slater expressed disappointment this week as he was unable to locate an affable, slightly goth loner who could show him around the school cafeteria and point out where various social groups sit.

"I have no idea where the dweebs, the band nerds, the sports jocks, the drama freaks, the stoners, the preps, the vampire hunters, any of them sit," Slater commented to friends. "Where is the disgruntled yet kindly guy in the felt hat named Benny or something who's supposed to come tell me what tables in the cafeteria all these groups sit at?"

Slater wandered around the cafeteria during his lunch break, doing his best to identify for himself where all the social cliques were sitting. "I think those are the drama losers, but I can't be sure. Maybe they're the debate team dorks or the promiscuous art dinguses. There's no way to know!"

By the end of the day, Slater was able to locate a foreign exchange student named Hans who knew a place where they could watch the girls' volleyball team practice, but Slater's heart just wasn't into it.

"I dunno. I was really looking forward to a bald, middle-aged principal hauling me into his office and telling me to straighten out or he was going to send me to military school, or a hot blonde girl roller-skating by me, balancing a tray of chocolate cake, or even a stoner offering me a joint under the bleachers. I'm so disappointed."

At publishing time, Slater had perked up a little after his English teacher compared Shakespeare to Eminem and a girl with braces and thick eyebrows asked if he wanted one of the Swedish Fish she had in her pocket.

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