GAZA — Despite reports that multiple men, women, and children had starved to death in the war-torn Gaza Strip as a result of the ongoing Israel-Gaza War, with approximately 50,000 more facing starvation, Hamas sources said they were not "release the hostages" starving.

"We are starving! I mean, not 'release the hostages starving' but, you know, we're pretty hungry," said Gaza spokesperson Ghazi Hamad, also known as the Voice of Hamas. "Shame on Israel for creating a strategic blockade to force us to give up the hostages! Shame!"

Since the start of the conflict that resulted from the October 7, 2023, attack in which Hamas killed approximately 1,200 people and took 251 hostages, Israel has deployed the use of routine military strategies such as fighting back and setting up a blockade on resources to secure the release of the remaining hostages, causing outrage among the Palestinians. "It's unfair!" said one Gazan as he beat a hostage. "I'm hungry! Just not, you know, hungry enough to give up this hostage."

According to the Gaza Health Ministry, the number of starving Gazans has increased daily. "As our resources diminish, what may start off as a dozen starving children can quickly turn to hundreds and thousands," said Dr. Marwan Naim. "It's almost enough to make us want to give up the hostages. Not quite. But almost."

According to sources, Hamas leadership (which has seen significant turnover in the last two years) remained confident that Israel would crack any minute and simply hand over their entire nation and kill themselves, turning the conflict into an elaborate game of chicken to see who will blink first, the people starving to death or the people with comparatively unlimited resources.

At publishing time, the Gaza Health Ministry reported that the number of starving had risen to the hundreds of thousands, which was really bad but still not quite bad enough to give up the hostages.

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