LOS ANGELOS, CA — Could he be gay? Sources close to Jaxon Walsh think the 35-year-old may have just come out of the closet as homosexual, as Walsh just remembered his best friend's birthday.

According to Ben Braun, Walsh's best friend, the shock of Walsh remembering a birthday completely unprompted has led many to surmise that Walsh may be a total queer.

"I never really thought of Jaxon as a flaming homo until he wished me 'Happy Birthday' without even a calendar reminder on his phone," Braun said, shaking his head. "I mean, it's not a sure thing, but that's pretty suggestive, you know? Jaxon's always had really good fashion, too, for as long as I've known him — and I've always wondered about that obsession with Coldplay."

Walsh has vehemently denied all allegations of homosexuality, arguing that remembering people's birthdays is just basic human politeness and not the gay effeminacy everybody knows it is.

"Stop iitttt," Walsh complained, his voice rising with a light yet manly inflection. "It's not gay to remember your best friend's birthday. That's just a flawed cultural norm, guys. Please just cut it out — I'm not a homosexual."

"I love women. I'm attracted to them."

At publishing time, suspicion of Walsh's gayness had been confirmed beyond the shadow of a doubt after he complimented another man's haircut without anyone telling him that the haircut was new.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?