ASHEVILLE, NC — FEMA representatives visited victims of Hurricane Helene this week and promised to do everything in their power to help — up to and including giving each resident their very own subscription to the "Jelly of the Month Club."

"It's a gift that keeps on giving," FEMA Spokesman Derek Monson told Asheville residents. "You'll love receiving these quality jellies every month. Something to look forward to after all you've been through."

Asheville residents have been without power, water, and internet for nearly a week. Many residents expressed appreciation for FEMA's efforts but wished the government could send something a little more useful at the moment.

"I do love jelly and that's so nice of the Biden Administration and FEMA to send along something to let us know they're thinking about us, but I could really use some water at the moment," Asheville resident Mary Smith said. "I know it's hard because they sent all their money to that nice little fellow in Ukraine, but I'd really love some food for my kids. And not just jelly."

For her part, Vice President Kamala Harris visited Asheville residents and handed out "Harris-Walz" lawn signs, a gesture residents said would have been lovely except for the fact that their lawns were now underwater.

At publishing time, the Biden Administration promised to write "In Memory of Asheville" on every missile sent to Ukraine.

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