WASHINGTON, D.C. — Clothing retailer American Eagle's new advertising campaign hit an unexpected obstacle today, as a federal judge ordered actress and new brand spokeswoman Sydney Sweeney to gain 100 pounds and get an ugly butch haircut.

Judge Eileen Bauer, an Obama appointee to a D.C.-area district court, issued an emergency ruling that Sweeney's attractiveness violated the law and demanded that she pack on weight to become as visually unappealing to consumers as possible.

"This type of brazen attractiveness cannot be allowed to stand," Bauer said in her ruling. "It is the responsibility of the court to hold corporations to a specific legal standard, which, in this case, means American Eagle is prohibited from featuring a thin, blonde, white woman in its advertisements. It is hereby the opinion of the court that Ms. Sweeney put on a minimum of 100 pounds right this minute and cut her hair or face disciplinary action."

Legal analysts said the landmark ruling set an important precedent for both advertising standards and judicial authority. "A federal judge has spoken, and we all know that is the ultimate authority over mankind," one expert said. "America cannot be allowed to turn into a country where companies can make their products appeal to consumers. Kudos to Judge Bauer for having the courage to stand up for the law and force this good-looking young woman to become less healthy and attractive."

At publishing time, Judge Bauer had issued an additional ruling that would further require Sweeney to get a septum piercing and a face tattoo.

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