SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The Trump Administration agenda was stopped in its tracks this week after a federal judge appointed himself the new President of the United States.

"There's nothing we can do," said legal experts. "He's a federal judge."

Sources confirmed that Judge Mortimer Dithers of the Northern District of California granted himself all the powers of the executive branch in an emergency move to stop Trump. "Last night, the Constitution appeared to me in a dream and told me to do this," said Judge Dithers. "You can't argue with that. Also, my word is on this is law because I'm a federal judge."

President Judge Dithers has already issued several executive actions, including orders for Tesla to stop making cars, Elon Musk to punch himself in the face, and Trump to not move his head next time someone shoots at him. "This is the bidding of your new leader," said Judge Dithers. "So let it be done, by the order of your new Federal Judge President."

Trump later responded to the ruling on Truth Social by accusing the judge of "looking like a potato."

At publishing time, Judge Dithers had been unseated as President by a higher court judge who declared himself President instead.

Under a new presidential order, posting in support of Ukraine will automatically draft you into the military.